Fiance Spectator

[alden]

It has just occurred to me that trying to beat them is a waste of time, so why not join them? Since a good deal of men today rely on bloggers for just about every crucial decision in their lives, like the clothes they will wear or wine they will drink. And it is clear to anyone who has eyes to see that these various forces are nothing more than Mother replacements. And everyone loves Mom. And everyone needs her even when she is gone for her counsel, advice and orders. Face it, you can’t fight Mom.

So it seems to me that the most important decision a young man can make centers around the opposite sex. So if a young man needs so much help just to dress himself each day or to taste a wine, imagine how much help he needs to choose a mate. And that is the idea behind: Fiancé Spectator

Fiance Spectator Executive Summary

Are you dating? Are you really postulating spending the rest of your life with one, single person? Forever. In holy matrimony?

Don’t you think you need, for such a monumental, life shattering decision the counsel and advice of an expert? Welcome to the world of Fiance Spectator! The idea is simple. You simply bring your chosen one to your local FS center, or my apartment, for a full testing. We will put her through her paces day and night and discover what she is truly worth. Choose between the one night test, the economy selection, up to a whole month of intensive testing (depending on the looks and performance of your fiancee.)

Why would you ever enter into the bonds of holy matrimony again without a fully certified testing by a Sex Sigma black belt trained expert?

The process is simple. Send a complete series of photos of your intended one or the luscious young thing you are dating to me now. Fill out the application form giving all of her details…ah, all of them. And if your fiancee is selected for testing, you will receive notification immediately. Then deliver her for testing. It’s that simple. You will receive a full report, and a full Fiance Spectator Rating. Is she a keeper? Ten years, twenty years? Or is she just to be enjoyed on the fruit? All this and more will be revealed to you!

All of this, including certification, can be yours for a very modest nightly fee. And special financing is available for the particularly gifted fiancee!
Call now!

Reviews. **** (5.0)

What a cool service! You guys really need to send your girl to FS! I did. The first report came back with uncertain results, so the technicians had to keep her for a full month of service and testing. The report told me she needed periodic testing to be truly sure of her value but that she had real promise. She is so happy to go for testing. It makes me so proud of her. I really hope she gets the full twenty year guarantee !

18359356540189575453 by The London Lounge, on Flickr

…I hope you get my point.

Cheers

[Screaminmarlon]

A friend of mine has a real tough life testing for the good of the others... poor fella
He told me the difficult part is convince them to stop testing to allow others to be tested

[alden]

Screamin

It is completely out of scope to keep any fiancee for long term testing. They must be duly and promptly returned along with the results of the test.

For as one of our founders, Professor Emeritus Don Giovanni, explained years ago:

What! would you have a man bind himself to the first girl he falls in love with, say farewell to the world for her sake, and have no eyes for anyone else? A fine thing, to be sure, to pride oneself upon the false honour of being faithful, to lose oneself in one passion for ever, and to be blind from our youth up to all the other beautiful women who can captivate our gaze! No, no; constancy is the share of fools. Every beautiful woman has a right to charm us, and the privilege of having been the first to be loved should not deprive the others of the just pretensions which the whole sex has over our hearts. As for me, beauty delights me wherever I meet with it, and I am easily overcome by the gentle violence with which it hurries us along. It matters not if I am already engaged: the love I have for a fair one cannot make me unjust towards the others; my eyes are always open to merit, and I pay the homage and tribute nature claims. Whatever may have taken place before, I cannot refuse my love to any of the lovely women I behold; and, as soon as a handsome face asks it of me, if I had ten thousand hearts I would give them all away. The first beginnings of love have, besides, indescribable charms, and the true pleasure of love consists in its variety. It is a most captivating delight to reduce by a hundred means the heart of a young beauty; to see day by day the gradual progress one makes; to combat with transport, tears, and sighs, the shrinking modesty of a heart unwilling to yield; and to force, inch by inch, all the little obstacles she opposes to our passion; to overcome the scruples upon which she prides herself, and to lead her, step by step, where we would bring her. But, once we have succeeded, there is nothing more to wish for; all the attraction of love is over, and we should fall asleep in the tameness of such a passion, unless some new object came to awake our desires and present to us the attractive perspective of a new conquest. In short, nothing can surpass the pleasure of triumphing over the resistance of a beautiful maiden; and I have in this the ambition of conquerors, who go from victory to victory, and cannot bring themselves to put limits to their longings. There is nothing that can restrain my impetuous yearnings. I have a heart big enough to be in love with the whole world; and, like Alexander, I could wish for other spheres to which I could extend my conquests.

[alden]

Truthfully the idea of such a service is not far fetched when you consider that up until just recently in our Western culture aristocrats had the right to sample or test the fiancees of their servants and slaves. Reread your Nozze di Figaro

[Screaminmarlon]

Ius primae noctis

[alden]

Eccoci

Droit du Seigneur though I think droit de jambage or droit de cuissage more poetic.

And these days why wouldn't an enterprising young fiancée want to have her fiancé tested by some equally enterprising mammacita. Filter out the dud, mommas' boys right from the get go.

Cheers

[couch]

Dear Fiancé Spectator,

Great pitch. I believe your venture has real potential. According to our legal department, claims of prior art, including the citations by Tirso de Molina, Juan de la Cueva, Moliere, and da Ponte, have been debunked. Therefore you are well positioned to claim first-mover advantage and dominate the weak competition. When you have demonstrated adequate stamina by completing your seed round, please contact me at Finders Fund. I'm confident we can line up a very sexy roster of investors for your series A.

Best,
Peter Telos

[alden]

Peter,

Thank you for the encouragement and great news. I am in training and eating only raw liver to get myself in shape for the first quarters launch.

We are also creating a subsidiary that might interest you: Fiancee Advocate. By judging all Fiancees on a 100 point scale, we hope to convince all the households of the world to produce only specimens like this one but that ages better..

14124205_1348926695135199_791081871_o by The London Lounge, on Flickr

Hereafter, no other kinds of Fiancees will be permitted or tolerated. The use of all chemicals and especially silicon is to be encouraged in all productions. Again, any variance from the parameters we have chosen will be severely punished. There is only one way, and that is the Fiancee Advocate Way. Catchy slogan don't you think?

[couch]

Dear Fiancée Spectator,

Smart move. By bringing your "Advocate" technology in-house under a subsidiary, you'll have full control now and can spin it off later while retaining a majority position. We will begin cultivating (subject to their acceptance of your NDA) the major players in your proposed chemical supply chain, who will be willing investors in the A round of the parent company.

And you'll need them, because you'll want to build your war chest a.s.a.p. to buy out the patents of any startups that happen to develop superior technology before your market dominance has grown into an unassailable monopoly.

The good news is that the market is huge. In the U.S. alone there are 50.3 million unmarried women to choose from, and 61.7 million unmarried men (potential customers). Worldwide numbers are equally encouraging.

I'm thinking unicorn here. Be that guy.

Do you have a logo yet? I can recommend a designer. Once the identity program is set, make sure everyone on your team gets a bespoke hoodie with the logo on it. Builds commitment to the mission. (While your opera-cape idea is totally sick and awesomely disruptive, it might wait for a later stage in the growth trajectory. I think a special-products division based around the Transylvania story could make it a monster hit. And for the women, you could hire Paloma Picasso to design an Elizabeth Báthory line.)

Best,
Peter

[uppercase]

Love and eggs are best when they are fresh.

We all know that.

[alden]

The point is as follows. There are times when it is strongly advised to consult an expert. If you get hit by a car, it’s a good idea to talk to a M.D and an LLD. If you want to build a house, have plans drawn by a licensed architect. If you are preparing your retirement a CPA is a must. These people are called “professionals” because they have had specific training and are licensed to practice.

When it comes to intimate personal choices that extend from personal taste, it is strongly advised to trust yourself, to develop your own taste through practice and basta!

If you want to learn to dress well, develop your eye. If you have a hankering to drink wine, get a cork screw and get to work tasting. Let your own palate be your guide. Burn any and all copies of Wine Dumpster, or Spectator or Advocate you find. The absolute joy of eating and drinking and living well, is finding the things that please YOU. Decorating your house, planting your garden, anything and everything that you must live with and enjoy, you have to do yourself. I know ….it is tiring to do things for yourself. Do it anyway. You will find it fun.

You wouldn’t let someone else pick the love of your life, would you?

Cheers

[alden]

The good news is that the market is huge. In the U.S. alone there are 50.3 million unmarried women to choose from, and 61.7 million unmarried men (potential customers). Worldwide numbers are equally encouraging.

Peter, better than that, there are millions of suckers born everyday.

[uppercase]

What?!

So there's no room for love of a professional nature by licensed, experienced practitioners ??

[alden]

Geez Louise, these days they'd better be licensed.

[Man at C&A]

Geez Louise, these days they'd better be licensed.

I understand a New Zealand university offers a vocational degree in the subject.