Great One Liners

[storeynicholas]

Great stuff. pPlease keep them coming!!
NJS

[OldBill]

To my mind the king of the one liners has to be Woody Allen:

"And the lion shall lie down with the lamb. And the lamb shall not get much sleep"

"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

"I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Also for my money the funniest stand up comedien ever.

[Trey]

Old Bill:

I second your thoughts on Woody Allen. His book Without Feathers if full of great one-liners!

Trey

[storeynicholas]

To my mind the king of the one liners has to be Woody Allen:

"And the lion shall lie down with the lamb. And the lamb shall not get much sleep"

"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

"I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Also for my money the funniest stand up comedien ever.

As Cary Grant and the Little Guy have both cropped up - interesting to note from A Class Apart (about CG), by Graham McCann, that Woody Allen was astonished one day to be asked by CG for his autograph.
NJS

[jb]

Old Bill,

Thanks for bringing up Woody Allen. Let us also remember, "Sex and death are alike -- they both come once in your life. ...except you don't feel nauseous after death."

Cheers,
Joel

[OldBill]

Not that I would ever those peer to peer file sharing thingys but I believe you can find some of Woody Allens early stand up gigs on there. I have them on CD now and have to say I never fail to laugh however many times I hear them.

The sketch about the moose and the fancy dress party is without peer.

[jb]

Old Bill,

Thanks for bringing up Woody Allen. Let us also remember, "Sex and death are alike -- they both come once in your life. ...except you don't feel nauseous after death."

Cheers,
Joel

[Swark]

one of my favorites is from an old scottish comic talking to a receptionist in a hotel.


CM:what is the room like.
R:have you got a good memory for faces?
CM:Yes.
R:That's good there's no mirror in the bathroom.

from Woody Allen.

"I am at two with nature."
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

An unknown comedian.

"i want to dedicate this to my father who was a roofer so dad if your up there"

"my father is schizophrenic but he's good people"

And finally Mark Twain.

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

[carl browne]

The great master of the (unintentionally funny) one liner is Yogi Berra, former catcher and manager for the New York Yankees.

"No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"if the fans don't wanna come out to the ballpark, no one can stop 'em."

"Buy a stock, if it goes up, sell it, if it goes down, don't buy it."

"in theory there's no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is."

[Costi]

Reporter asks the National Defence minister, a few years ago, following an unfortunate series of military airplane crashes which had taken place within a couple of months:
"What is it with these MIGs falling from the skies almost every week?"
Minister:
"What do you expect? All we have is MIGs!"

[masterfred]

I don't know if the following is apocryphal, but during the '70s, at the height of the "streaking" craze, several fans crossed a ballpark where Yogi was reporting on the game. When asked by another reporter if they were male or female, Yogi shrugged and said, "I don't know. They had bags over their heads."

[storeynicholas]

I don't know if the following is apocryphal, but during the '70s, at the height of the "streaking" craze, several fans crossed a ballpark where Yogi was reporting on the game. When asked by another reporter if they were male or female, Yogi shrugged and said, "I don't know. They had bags over their heads."

Reminds me of the story (maybe well-worn) of the students sun-bathing in the nude by the Cam one afternoon when a punt of girls passes by and all but the visiting student from Oxford cover their 'nudity'; he covers his face. Afterwards, the Cambridge men ask the Oxford man why he did this and he replies 'Because, in Oxford, we recognize each other by our faces.'
NJS

[carl browne]

I certainly hope the Berra streaker story is not apocryphal!

That reminds me of the streaker that appeared on the Academy Awards show some time in the 1970s. David Niven was the master of ceremonies. When the streaker interrupted his presentation, Niven, without missing a beat, remarked how some people are always compelled to "display their shortcomings. " It brought down the roof.

[storeynicholas]

I certainly hope the Berra streaker story is not apocryphal!

That reminds me of the streaker that appeared on the Academy Awards show some time in the 1970s. David Niven was the master of ceremonies. When the streaker interrupted his presentation, Niven, without missing a beat, remarked how some people are always compelled to "display their shortcomings. " It brought down the roof.

Yes, quite superb. david Niven had an enormous fund of anecdotes. I am sure that everyone knows the one about the angrt Italian film director shouting at his cast and crew....
NJS

[Frog in Suit]

I certainly hope the Berra streaker story is not apocryphal!

That reminds me of the streaker that appeared on the Academy Awards show some time in the 1970s. David Niven was the master of ceremonies. When the streaker interrupted his presentation, Niven, without missing a beat, remarked how some people are always compelled to "display their shortcomings. " It brought down the roof.

Yes, quite superb. david Niven had an enormous fund of anecdotes. I am sure that everyone knows the one about the angrt Italian film director shouting at his cast and crew....
NJS

No, we (I at least ) do not. Please tell .

Frog in Suit