Esquire article:What young men can do to improve their dress

[alden]

In this months UK edition of Esquire a version of the following article appears. Many of you who do not have access to the magazine have asked me to publish it here:

So here is the unabridged, rambling, unedited version of the piece:

What Young Men Can Do to Improve Their Dress

It is often said that the first three things a woman looks at when she meets a man for the first time are his eyes, hands and shoes. If you happen to be lucky enough to pass this first level of inspection, you will surely be judged by your overall appearance and unless you are naked that means your dress. That is where an awful lot of young men miss the cut right out of the gates and this article is going to tell you why and suggest things you can do about it.

In reality, most ladies, potential business associates or bosses are not looking at your eyes, hands, or shoes for what they want or expect to see, but to make sure a deal breaker is not lingering there. They are checking for shifty eyes, bearish hands or last seasons must have fashion shoes, the ones that look like an imposing motor vehicle has made tracks over your feet.

If you have a set of bedroom blues you are in luck and if you don’t you can always wear sunglasses. You cannot do much about your hands except make sure they are properly groomed and lacking jewelry. Or you can keep your hands in your pockets at all times, though this strategy is inconvenient. So of the first three checkpoints, you can decide on and change only one: your shoes.

Shoes are to be heard but not seen. The crisp clack on the pavement when we walk indicates the presence of good leather and not something made of formaldehyde pate. If you try to make a big fashion statement with your shoes you can be assured to wind up with your foot in your mouth. So, choose something black or brown with a round toe from Northampton. Shoes that come to us from south of Southampton and resemble deflated Pirellis or the fuselage of F-16s will get you sent packing to the back of the line. Remember that at this stage in our sartorial development we are simply trying to get past the third hurdle and want our potential mistress to glance past our shoes and back onto the sheet where she will check the box that says “OK, not a complete buffoon.” From there her eyes will move up our figure towards our faces where things can get more complicated.

A simple rule of chic says that if no one is doing it then it must be a good thing to do; since no one is wearing ties anymore, it’s a good time to wrap one around your neck. The tie abolitionists come to us from the States while the highest per capita sales of silk neckties and scarves in the world are registered in Italy. And if there are many things about Yanks we might like to copy, fashion and foreign policy are dangerous ones. So do default to some sort of neckwear.

If you don’t believe this to be true and maintain that ties are expensive instruments of torture that strangle when they are not sopping up spaghetti sauce, try to find a picture of your father from the 1970s, the last anti-tie era. He will look very similar to what you see as fashionable today, the open shirt, décolleté with a heavy gold chain, shirt collar splayed out over the jacket deftly. The look has come full circle back into fashion. But if you show Dad his picture and suggest posting it on your favorite blog or family album on the net, don’t be surprised if the blackmail does not earn you enough money to buy a superb set of neckwear from a maker like Michael Drake of London. And if you want to avoid your son wreaking the same havoc in your life with your image some day, then wear a tie.

A well chosen tie can add color to your face and make the eyes you are stuck with sparkle so you don’t have to wear sunglasses all day. Prefer small patterns and muted colors made of good quality silk knotted with nonchalance and you will pass muster as long as you are wearing a proper collar on your shirt.

One of the reasons most of you want to toss the tie is that the silly thing never stays in place around your neck. And cinching it down with the not so stylish Saddam knot restricts the passage of air and reddens one’s complexion. “This”, you say, “simply will not do!” And you are right. But the fact that the tie does not stay in place has nothing to do with either tie or knot and has everything to do with your shirt’s collar.

Many of you who are fluent in nuclear physics, net present values of cash flows or geopolitics are, for some inexplicable reason, unable to calculate your shirt’s collar size. For this reason you have grown up with eyes bulging slightly from their sockets, thinking such a thing was normal and part of wearing a dress shirt. To escape this trap you are willing to jump on the Kansas City suburban train to dressing disaster wearing your shirt unbuttoned to the navel as a disproportionate reaction to all your previous years suffering.

The first step in life is to understand that shirt collars should simply rest around your neck so that a necktie can rest along with it. So measure your neck knowing that its size will likely expand after this weekends drinking binge while the cotton it is made of will be shrinking. So we have two opposite and contrary physical forces at play, the cotton is shrinking while we are expanding. Do the math and come up with the right size and half the battle is won.

Once the shirt collar fits with ease round the neck and in order to create a place for our silky treasure to drape we must fashion a thing called-you probably won’t believe this-“tie space.” You see, if the tie has a place to go and rest, you do not have to cinch it down as you would a sack of potatoes. Since breathing is an exceptionally pleasant thing to do, and is always “de bon ton”, you will be able to do more of it now.

Tie space is a ¾ inch space where the collar’s button is found. To find it put your city shirt aside for a moment and look at the collar of a button down as they all come equipped with tie space. Now duplicate this space on your next dress shirts and your tie will seed itself immediately, automatically and without stress to your vocal chords. Wearing a tie has never been so much fun, has it? Now we must do something about your suit’s fabric, sir!

Most fabrics used today leave men ill prepared for existence much less seduction or success. They are flimsy, light, wrinkle in a trifle and generally make one look sickly as in after a bad nights sleep in business class. To play the part of a relatively invincible masculine hero, you have to think twice before going out in urban pajamas. I suppose the day trend towards city pajama wear explains why many men consider the donning of track suits on the weekend to be a big step up in terms of formality and style.

Any temptress worth her weight in Chanel No. 5 seeing a sturdy fabric exterior will want to find the irresistible weak side someplace underneath that suit of clothes, its sort of like looking for Connolly in a Bentley. You have to offer her this opportunity or fail immediately. For if she sees flimsy, wrinkled, lightweight and lackluster on the outside, she will imagine and expect even worse inside.

So find or bespeak yourself a suit of clothes cut from weighty cloth that has character and depth. Fabrics that are flat, closely milled and shiny-the usual ones- make you look dull. Fabrics that have texture, a design and are matte make you look rich. The choice is yours. In the dull set of fabrics you will find thin worsteds, trendy super cloth and shiny mohair. In the rich set, choose between woolen flannels, tweeds or linen.

Once the best fabrics have been identified, the female object of our desire will reassured to see them fit the muscle rippled body you spend so much time working on at the gym. Fit is the subject that is never spoken about in fashion and yet it is a fundamental of good dressing and comfortable dressing. Going out in clothes that hang from your body or those with buttons set to explode will lead most to think you are wearing hand me downs from your brother or roommate. The comfort concept is as follows: If you are not comfortable in your clothes, you will not look comfortable to others, and others will not feel comfortable around you. She wants to feel comfortable around you.

The clothes you need to purchase are not the ones that everyone else is wearing (review the fundamentals of chic above), nor are they the ones modeled by the best looking men, nor are the ones your sister assures you are part of a great outfit. The clothes you should purchase are clothes that fit you. Stop, that does not mean clothes that suit you or are smart on you, it means clothes that fit on your body well.

If you think bespoke clothing is for the grandfatherly and you want to be robbed in the very latest then invest the time required to visit every shop and try on each and every article of clothing until such time that you find garments that make you look less like your brother or roommate and more like you. To make your shopping experience as rapid and efficient as possible you will need to equip yourself with a small hand held mirror and a roll of electrician’s tape. The small mirror will be used in conjunction with the mirrors at the shop to check the fit of your clothes from every angle including angles shopkeepers do not want you to see. The electrician's tape is used to bind and gag the annoying and intentionally misleading salespeople. Learn to use your own eyes.

Finally, compose your dress with humor. Slavish adherence to either fashion or company dress codes will earn you little respect. Punctuate your understated dress with some epigrammatic piece of self deprecating humor. You might try an extravagant piece of silk as a scarf, a waistcoat in buff linen or the jumper you have always craved in Hermes orange. So wear one. It’s better to mock yourself than have the world do it for you.

Michael Alden

[marcelo]

Thanks for this interesting article. The instruction on the last paragraph – the expression “epigrammatic piece of self deprecating humor” is superb – is the most demanding one, requiring both sartorial expertise and a bit of self-confidence. Chances of this article being in the future just a short excerpt from a book-length work with reflections on the elegant life?

[jb]

Most enjoyable, Michael. Since I only have daughters, I will have to save this to annoy their potential suitors.

Cheers,
Joel

[storeynicholas]

A perceptive and thoroughly enjoyable article. It also brings to mind the screenplay for the film Thunderball: Domino asks Bond how he knows that her name is Domino and he says that it is on her ankle bracelet. She observes 'My, what sharp little eyes you have' to which he replies: 'Just wait 'til you get to my teeth..'
NJS

[Frog in Suit]

What Young Men Can Do to Improve Their Dress

Isn't it obvious? They must allow themselves to be guided by those of riper years , who have survived the sartorial excesses of the sixties, seventies, eighties and nineties. They must put themselves in the hands of a good tailor. They must eschew dressing "fashionably" like the sad individuals who populate -- and pollute -- television and illustrated magazines . They must aim for a quiet, timeless, self-confidence. They must find out who and what they are, and "be themselves".

Frog in Suit

[SV]

Nice and informative. I liked the simple suggestions on fabric; wool flannel, tweed or linen. All in nice substantial weight. Simple and easy to remember.
My eyes might pass...Is there any advise or literature on eye wear? I'm wearing plastic vintage frames but would like them in genuine horn with a style that is neither vintage nor fashionable.

[DonB]

(...)
Shoes are to be heard but not seen. The crisp clack on the pavement when we walk indicates the presence of good leather and not something made of formaldehyde pate.
(...)

I do agree with the replies above. However, It seems to me that audible shoes do not constitute an improvement of one's dress. At any rate I am glad that my shoes from Northampton do not produce a 'crisp clack'.

Regards,
Don

[uppercase]

Thanks for posting that enjoyable article, I hadn't seen it before.

There's probably a book or two in your musing about clothes and men's style; I hope that you consider that, sit down, concentrate the mind and start writing your book.

[pbc]

These tips are very good. I don't subscribe to Esquire and have the impression from my limited exposure that it is entirely a fashion magazine at odds with this article's content. So, did the rest of the information and images in the magazine support this article or contradict it?

pbc

[m-lan]

...

[alden]

Improve your dress.....

[Luca]

My insistence on this point has had the rather funny result, via my young daughter, that she insists, when hosting, that her male guests dress "smartly". We are not talking about LL standards, regrettably, but for 21st C. teenagers the poor dears do make an effort...

[davidhuh]

My insistence on this point has had the rather funny result, via my young daughter, that she insists, when hosting, that her male guests dress "smartly". We are not talking about LL standards, regrettably, but for 21st C. teenagers the poor dears do make an effort...

Dear Luca,

this is a nice one! We should never give up hope...

Cheers, David